I have been meaning to write a quick update for some time, now, after dropping the bomb that I was moving across the country. Things have been going great! I’ve been working quite a bit, actually. The kids and I get along really well and I absolutely adore the whole family! They have played a huge role in making this transition so much smoother for me.
But that doesn’t mean that every day has been smooth. It has only been three weeks, but I have already had some emotional ups and downs. Mostly ups, but I’m only human so sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. Living with one of my best friends has been great because we have been able to spend time together before she deploys for seven months. Actually, both she and her husband are leaving for deployment around the same time. And the time for that is quickly approaching: next Tuesday, the 19th.
So, this past Tuesday (the 12th) was one of those “emotions got the best of me” days. Seeing as I only have a handful of friends here in San Diego (I mean that quite literally, I can count how many I have on one hand!) and half of them are about to deploy, I was getting pretty down on myself. Why was I here, now? Why was I really in California? Yes, I love it here. I have always wanted to live here. And I love being a nanny, for now. But I don’t think that is my calling. I know that God didn’t engineer this whole thing for me to be in California isolated and alone. And that is exactly how I was starting to feel. One of my best friends, and new roommate, was about to leave in exactly one week, for seven months. And I would be left here, knowing barely anyone. Isolated from my family and friends back home. Alone.
My heart was heavy and I realized I was being impatient, but I couldn’t help myself from asking God, “Why I am here, now. What is my purpose for moving across the country? When am I going to receive an answer? Why did You bring me here, now, when everyone is leaving?” So, I started looking through my Bible for answers as I kept asking, “…why am I here, now?”
Then I realized a patten in my words: “Here, now.” Which happens to be the title of a song by Hillsong United that I had heard a handful of times before. I immediately bought it on iTunes and listened to it all night. I wasn’t just singing it, I was praying it. It was every word I had been trying to find to say to God. And my heart felt a little more at ease because it reminded me that God is with me here, now. Even though He has been quite silent.
(Click here to purchase Here, Now by Hillsong United)
Wednesday rolls around, and I’m still listening to “Here, Now” on repeat. It was more than just discovering a really great new song and needing to sing it over and over again until you’re sick of it. I couldn’t stop listening to it because it just made sense. The words were too perfect in this time of major transition and confusion.
So, I’m listening to my new favorite tune and utilizing my handy skills by putting together a dresser for my bedroom, when I think to myself, “The new Moses message [from my church in St. Louis] is up online! I haven’t seen it yet. That will be a great listen to help pass the time while I’m doing this!” Before I press play I say a quick prayer asking God to speak to me through this message. Just throw me one little bone! It could be anything.
Greg Holder, the Lead Pastor of The Crossing, starts the message and he is introducing us to Moses. He describes him as “shockingly human” because Moses sometimes feels tired, alone, scared, he’s impulsive, and filled with doubt. Whoa. Moses sounds a lot like me. That is exactly how I have been feeling! At this point I have stopped everything that I am doing and I am completely focused on the screen. Then, he continues, “Anyone with us, from any of the sites or all over the world [the messages are broadcast live on Sundays and recorded for those who cannot make the service], ever feel like they’re doing this on their own?” Yes! ME, ME, ME! And again, “Moses had moments where the challenge was SO big he didn’t think he was up to that challenge. Maybe you can relate…?” Um, yes, Greg, I can relate! He perfectly described everything I was feeling just the day before. I’m in a new state, where I hardly know anyone, I have a temporary job, etc. I know God wants me here now, it is clear by the way he carefully constructed my path. But I’m feeling pretty isolated, alone, and left without any answers.
My heart is racing and Greg is pulling it back down, preparing us to pray before one more song, and then he will start the message. Then he describes the song we are about to sing. He says, “There will be a place in there when you’ve heard this chorus again, and again, and again. And you’ll recognize a theme.” Boy, oh, boy. I feel it. I am feeling Jesus draw closer to my heart in that moment. And as everyone else is silently praying in this pre-recorded sermon, I’m praying to Jesus, again, “Show me something. Give me something. I know You’re here… But I need some reassurance.”
Then Greg wraps up everyone’s prayers by saying if we really knew how God is here, now, it would change everything. And then the music starts… And I’m guessing by now you know what is coming next, because I did, too. I could feel it in my bones and I had been for the past two days. The musicians start playing the song. THE song. My song! HERE, NOW! It takes a lot to bring me to tears. But I was on my knees so fast, arms out, tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t even sing I was so awestruck. But my heart was so full it could burst! And that, my friends, was the voice of God.
I got all that before the actual message even started! Which is a great message in it’s entirety, might I add. And now I’m sitting here typing this, still in complete awe… Because even though I’m 2,000 miles away, The Crossing still manages to change my life and further my relationship with Christ. Wednesday night I got my answer. He is here, now. He is here, always. Even when He is silent. That is how I got here in the first place! It didn’t happen over night… It was years in the making. I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap after 3 weeks. I need to be patient because He is here. He is listening. And He has so much more planned for me. I have so much comfort in my heart right now because Greg was right, everything has changed. Since I started taking steps to develop a relationship with Jesus my life has changed. He has changed me. He is continuing to change me daily! And I live differently because of Him.
Greg sited Exodus 17:14, God is speaking to Moses and tells him to “…write this down on a scroll as a reminder.” As I write these words down I can feel my heart pounding. In a good way. As in, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be sharing my experiences. Maybe it’s just purely for my benefit. But I know that I am supposed to be writing this down as MY reminder of what God has done for me and what He will continue to do for me. Maybe I do have more in common with Moses than I anticipated. Maybe we all do.
God bless. Catch you on the flip side.
Click here to watch Greg Holder’s Radical Presence message (the message I reference)
Click here to find past messages, as well as watching live on Sundays at 11am CT
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If you are interested in The Crossing or attending a service visit wcrossing.org for more information.